


catastrophic affairs, truly

by chatuoir (chaserpercy)



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, they cuss a little, this is a Hot Mess (TM)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 17:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7324822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaserpercy/pseuds/chatuoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you cross a lovesick cat with a ladybug's questions? Lots and lots of confusion (which leads to 2 pretend relationships and a love square so complicated it's practically a circle). // </p>
<p>OR, in which Chat Noir pretends to date a girl named Marinette, Ladybug pretends to date the famous Adrien, and everything is a breeze. (Not.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone its me chatuoir from tumblr and it is currently 11pm ish but i couldnt wait any longer so here is chapter 1 of the disaster fic/hot mess (TM) au. its been sitting in my gdocs for like. months. 
> 
> also forgive me for the title and the summary i haven't used ao3 in ages and i really just wanted the first letters to spell out CAT. i know its short but the other chapters will be longer. also on that note i have no idea when i'll post the next chapter but enjoy this in the meantime!!!!

It’s the day before Valentine’s Day when Chat Noir makes the biggest mistake of his life.

He’s patrolling during lunch when he runs into Ladybug-- literally. She catches him before he falls off the building and they find themselves talking on the edge of a tower instead of scanning the city. Parisian crime has been at an all time low since they started these patrols anyways.

Chat doesn’t mind talking to Ladybug now; he’s actually gotten really comfortable just hanging out with her. It’s good to have a friend, even if he still wants to confessing his undying love for her every time she saves his ass. But he hides it well enough that they’re able to joke about it constantly.

“Got any special plans for tomorrow?” Ladybug asks out of the blue. Standard reply, he thinks.

“Only if they’re with you,” Chat replies cheekily. Ladybug rolls her eyes and adjusts her sitting position.

“Come on, aren’t there any other people you talk to besides me? Got a significant other you’re not telling me about? You’re not a bad looking guy, you know.”

“Yeah.” Ladybug’s eyes light up. _Fuck._ She thought he was answering her question instead of agreeing with her last statement. Chat is about to rectify the entire situation when she interrupts. 

“Oh my god who is it?!?! Unless you want to keep it confidential, then by all means keep it to yourself, it’s fine, but I’m really happy for you!” She’s so excited, Chat’s next sentence just trips over his tongue and falls out of his mouth.

“Um, yeah, I’ll tell you, it’s okay. My, uh, girlfriend, that I’m dating... is, um, M-m-m--marinette! You know, the one who um, lives in a bakery!?” Damn it. 

Chat doesn’t expect Ladybug to burst out laughing. He’s almost tempted to tell her the truth about the situation when he realizes what this means. What if he really got Marinette to be his girlfriend? Or, his fake girlfriend at least. Then maybe Ladybug would become jealous and discover her true feelings for him. _Nah, that wouldn’t work,_ Chat thinks. But he’s also extremely desperate, so he plays along.

“Hey, don’t laugh! Marinette is a very sweet, smart, beautiful girl and I don’t appreciate you insulting her!” Chat defends, before he remembers that he doesn’t know a thing about Marinette. She was just the first single person that popped into his head.

But Marinette acts so differently around him as Adrien than as Chat. He doesn’t think she likes his civilian form all too well, considering she’s always running away from him. But as Chat, Marinette is pretty easy to talk to, even if she sighs every time he flexes. So a plus to following this ridiculous plan is that he’ll get to know Marinette better. Foolproof, right?

“No, no, I’m not laughing at her, I promise, I’m actually strangely proud of you. I gotta go now. Have a good Valentine’s Day!” She smiles like she knows something he doesn’t; Chat has no choice but to grin back. As soon as she’s out of sight, Chat lays down on the roof and rubs his temples. He lets out a string of expletives before getting back up again.


	2. ii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone im back with chapter 2 & im sorry mari's pov is short but later chapters will probably just be 1 pov(and longer)? like i originally wrote all of them with 2 povs and therefore 2 parts but i think im gonna split them after this. just watch the chapter titles bc they'll tell you what chapter we're on. ANYWAYS enjoy :D

part a

It takes approximately 10 seconds for Chat to show up at Marinette’s balcony after she de-transforms. She only has time to dust off her shirt before she hears him yell her name from 30 yards away, crash land on the roof, and perform a barrel roll.  _ Show-off.  _

“Hey, Chat. Aren’t you supposed to be doing your superhero duties? Where’s Ladybug?” Chat (still lying on the ground after the barrel roll) groans at the sound of her name.

“I’m sure she’s taking care of it by herself. It’s noon on a Friday, the biggest problem right now are children that are upset because they can’t sleepover at their friend’s houses this weekend or something like that. Anyways, I just got myself into the biggest mess with her and I know this sounds really strange and sketchy considering I don’t know you that well, but I  _ need _ your help.” Marinette tries to act as confused as possible. 

“Um, okay. I guess. But you should stand up first,” She offers her hand and hoists him to his feet, “What’s up?” Chat takes a deep breath. It’s a little weird standing right in front of him when Marinette’s not in costume, but she has to be inconspicuous. 

“So.... we were talking today and then I kind of accidentally-on-purpose said that we were dating to her- which we aren’t I know!- but then I just kept going along with it because tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day and she was super happy for us and she was smiling and ecstatic and I’m such a damn lovesick fool so I couldn’t even tell her that it was a joke so now you have to pretend to date me for a couple weeks until this is all over!” He finishes and gasps for air. Of course, Marinette already knows all of this (except the bit where Chat is  _ actually _ in love with Ladybug- but it’s not terribly surprising; It explains a lot of things.) She thinks she hears Tikki gasp from inside her purse.

“Wait, you’re  _ actually _ in love with Ladybug? Why don’t you just tell her? Then I wouldn’t have to pretend to date you, a... superhero-- cat-- , I don’t know what you are. I... don’t know  _ you _ !” 

“Yeah, but I  _ can’t  _ tell her! I flirt with her 24/7 so she thinks it's a joke, and she would probably never speak to me again if I admitted that it was real flirting. Please, Marinette, I dug myself into this hole and this is the only way I can get out!” Chat pleads. He looks so upset, Marinette doesn’t know what to do. She actually feels bad for him, especially now that he’s poured his entire heart out to her. On the one hand, she would  _ technically _ be pretending to date her partner in (solving) crime, and on the other, she’s supposed to be a mere acquaintance of the mysterious Chat Noir.  _ Hmm. Maybe this will be fun,  _ She thinks.  _ Or more so, fun _ ny.

“Uh, okay, ...fine. I’ll do it. But we have to plan it all out so she doesn’t suspect anything.” Chat fist pumps so hard he almost falls off the roof. Marinette rolls her eyes.  _ What the  _ hell,  _ right?  _

“Don’t hurt yourself. We shouldn’t do this outside though, in case anyone sees us.” 

“We’re on a roof, who’s gonna see us?” Marinette shoves him towards the trapdoor.

“Everyone can see us! Just... go inside! And  _ please _ don’t judge me when you get in there, or I’ll push you off the roof you almost just fell from.” Chat waves his arms defensively.

“Alright, alright. Let’s do this,” He lifts the door open, “After you.”

 

part b

Adrien almost busts a gut when he enters Marinette’s room.  _ Shit.  _ He stifles his laughter as best he can, but she still hears him laughing. Three of her walls are plastered with photos of himself as Adrien the Model, and he’s pretty sure she has pictures from every shoot his father’s ever made him do. Suddenly it makes sense why Marinette never talks to him. He’s a famous model and she’s an aspiring designer- she’s probably extremely intimidated by him (or perhaps, by his father). They live in two completely different spheres, so how could she be comfortable crossing into his?

“I told you not to judge me! Don’t try to tell me your room isn’t  _ completely full  _ of Ladybug merch!!!!” Okay, so she has a point, but it doesn’t make the situation less funny.

“How did you know? Am I  _ that _ obvious?” He gasps dramatically. “Are you this invested in me too? Is that how you knew about my collection of Ladybug paraphernalia, because you also stalk me? Where's your wall of Chat photos?” She’s about to kill him, probably.

“Shut up. I enjoy fashion: my favorite designer is Gabriel Agreste, okay?! And his son Adrien is... not ugly; I guess you could call him cute. But- don’t tell him I said that, because we’re kind of friends. He’s, um, cool. It’s complicated! Ugh... just... let me live.” Adrien nods, acting nonchalant, which isn’t that hard because of the suave Chat persona, but it’s a little strange knowing that Marinette thinks he’s cute. Or ‘not ugly’, as she put it. Not that it means anything, any person could be cute, right? But Marinette had also called Adrien her friend-that  _ had _ to mean something, even if she seems to avoid him at all costs. It’s good to know that he isn’t just a famous model to her, though. At least someone sees him as an actual person for once. (And a  _ cool _ one at that!)

“Why are you still grinning? We need to get to work. Chat!” Marinette jolts Adrien from his thoughts. She’s waving her arms in front of his face; he didn’t even notice himself zoning out.

“Oh, right. What do you have planned?”

She crosses her arms. “You’re the one who accidentally told Ladybug that we were together, I'm waiting for _ your  _ plan.” 

* * *

It takes them fifteen minutes to decide on three conditions. One, Marinette will pretend to be Chat’s girlfriend until the situation is resolved. Two, if anyone asks when they started dating or if they’re together, they won’t give a straight answer. Three, Marinette’s parents have the right to know the truth. Adrien feels a little wary at the last one, but no one knows his secret identity, so it shouldn't be a problem. Plus, he doesn't want Marinette to get in trouble. Who knows how mad her parents would be if they found out she was dating a superhero she met twice and said 20 words to?

“This little scheme is looking pretty good if I do say so myself.” Chat says.

“Right,  _ you  _ say so. I know it won't take long for Alya to find out-- she's my best friend and so good at sleuthing it's scary.”

“Wow, I hope Ladybug isn't as sneaky as this Alya friend. I need to convince Ladybug that we’re actually together!” Adrien doesn't understand why Marinette keeps laughing. Does he think she can't see her? 

Marinette covers her mouth. “Sorry, I didn't mean to, but the entire situation is just so amusing.” 

“Amusing how?”

“Uh, what if we’re so convincing that Ladybug doesn't think we’ll break up, so she doesn't realize her feelings for you? That would destroy your poor cat heart.” She says.

Chat deadpans. “It’ll work.” Marinette decides to change the subject.

* * *

Finding a place to fake date takes even longer than discussing the three conditions. There are so many things to factor in, paparazzi and price being the main two. Major downsides to being a teenaged superhero are that, well, superheroes draw attention and teenagers are broke. Marinette and Chat finally settle on a day at the Louvre(“I'll use my superhero discount.” “I’m not sure if that’s a thing.”). It's eerily quiet for a few moments after that.

"Well, I guess we are officially fake dating now so I should probably say: Nice to meet you, I'm Marinette Dupain-Cheng." She holds out a hand.    
  
"Likewise. I'm Chat Noir. But you knew that already." Adrien shakes. It kind of seals the deal.   
  
"Right. I should get going, I kind of have to go back to school at 1." She says.   
  
"Oh shoot! What time is it now? I haven't even eaten lunch yet!" Chat frantically searches her room for a clock. Marinette sighs and checks her phone for him. He catches a glimpse of what looks like several messages, but she ignores them.

"It's 12:54. Wait right here, I'll get you something to eat, and then you can be on your way." She opens the trapdoor leading to her family's bakery and skirts down the ladder. Adrien almost collapses when he smells the pastries, his stomach rumbling. He hasn’t had a snack since 5 in the morning. _Thanks a lot, dad._  
  
Marinette dashes back up with a container of croissants and ushers him to the roof. He's about to leap away before he turns around one last time.  
  
"Remember, meet me tomorrow morning at the Louvre, 10 o'clock."   
  
"Like I could forget. I'll see you then."  
  
"I fake-love you, Princess." He bows and kisses her hand; Marinette(rudely) mouths _fuck you_ _too_. Chat yells something like “You didn’t even ask me to pardon your French!” (which he is aware doesn’t make sense because they’re _in_ France) before he vaults away. The last thing he sees is Marinette standing there rolling her eyes at him. It’s only a bit endearing.


	3. iiia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i know i know its been a while. also its funny bc when tea (demistories on ao3/sadrien on tumblr) released her chapter of staos i was reading it and laughing bc we used the same trope where people find stuff out through the internet. but anyways i swear that was coincidental and here is your long awaited chapter 3(a) enjoy

"Why didn't you check your phone? I texted you, like, 20 times!" Alya says as soon as Marinette joins her in the classroom. _Yeah, I saw them, but I was busy trying to set up a fake relationship with Chat Noir out of all people, so I didn’t look at them. And you didn’t call me, so it probably wasn’t life threatening._

"Uh, I was taking a nap." Her hair is a bit disheveled, but Alya doesn't know it's from yoyo-ing to school as Ladybug. Unfortunately, Marinette's generic excuse doesn't work this time.

"Right, then explain this." Alya holds up her phone, which displays a picture of Chat Noir. On Marinette's roof. He's blushing profusely and she's laughing at him. Marinette almost screams; she's been fake dating Chat for 5 minutes and there's already pictures! And speculation!

"Oh. Well-" Marinette starts.

"-Quiet down, students. Please open your textbooks to chapter 7,” Mme. Mendeleiev cuts her off.

"You better tell me after school," Alya whispers. _I haven’t even told my parents yet!_ Marinette thinks, while nodding to her best friend. She takes the time to glance at her text messages.  

> **From:** the bestest and the greatest
> 
> **To:** Marinette
> 
> MARINE NET LOOKA T THE LAyDBLOg RN HOLY SHIY
> 
> MARINETTE* WHY WREE U WIH CHAT
> 
> WHAT AHPPENED TELL ME
> 
> MARI AR U THERE
> 
> HELlooooooooo????

The rest of them are similarly loud and misspelled, which is typical of Alya when she’s too excited to type properly. Marinette keeps reading until she hears Mme. Mendeleiev clear her throat. Muttering an apology, Marinette throws her phone into her bag and places her textbook on her desk. _Okay. First, atomic structure. Then, this disastrous fake dating plan that’s sure to get everyone who’s involved into a lot of trouble._ She sighs, flipping to chapter 7.

* * *

The day goes on extremely fast and extremely slow at the same time. Marinette has a lot of time to think, and realizes she has no idea who took the picture. She also doesn’t know what she’s going to say to Alya, but nothing comes to mind when she tries thinking about it. So when the bell rings, Marinette barely registers the sound before Alya drags her outside and shoves the first page of the Ladyblog in her face.

“Seriously, what’s going on in this picture?” Marinette studies it again. She looks like he just told the funniest joke in the world. He’s flustered and scratching his neck. From an outer perspective, Marinette can see why it’s a little suspicious, even if she was just laughing at the irony of the situation. But she can’t say that. She settles on asking, "Where did that photo come from?"

"Someone submitted it to the Ladyblog at lunch, but I didn’t get a good look at it until after I posted it, and that’s when my notifications went crazy. My followers don't know who you are, of course, but they want to know who Chat's new beau is. Which, according to the likes of this picture, is you." Marinette wants to scream. She should've dragged Chat out of plain view as soon as he landed on her roof. But then again, that might've seemed even more suspicious. Good thing no one recorded anything Chat said to her, if they could even get a mic to work from all the way down there. At least, she hopes they didn't.

Alya notices she’s freaked out and immediately adds, “I can delete it if you want me to. I kind of accidentally posted it anyways, and I totally get if it you’re feeling uncomfortable or exposed or-”

“No, no, it’s fine. Everyone was going to find out eventually.”  
  
“You sure?” Alya’s skeptical for a second. Marinette nods. “Okay, spit.”

"Well, you see, I was talking to Chat during lunch, and he was asking if I wanted to do anything tomorrow for Valentine’s Day," _Technically true_ , Marinette thinks, "So I thought he was lying because I thought he liked Ladybug, so I was laughing at him. But turns out he was being serious and now I'm going on a date with Chat Noir. Like, tomorrow. For Valentine's Day. I, I- said that already." She stutters, pretending to act like most of that wasn't a lie. Alya squints, trying to read Marinette's expression. The two girls freeze for a couple moments before Alya breaks the silence and wraps Marinette in a bear hug.

"That's great! I didn't know you were that friendly with him. Heck, I didn't even know he liked you or that you liked him back; I thought you were still into Adrien. But now you have a hot date for Valentine’s Day!" Marinette laughs nervously.

"Yeah, I guess. It isn't, like, super official or anything. Just a casual thing. We'll see how it goes." Thankfully, at this point she's saved by Nino.

"Speaking of hot dates, Alya, I kind of need to talk to you." He interrupts. Marinette gives him a thumbs up and a ‘good luck’ behind Alya’s back; Nino’s been working up the courage to ask her out for months. It’s actually exhausting watching them dance around each other, so Marinette’s glad that he’s finally taking the initiative. She gives them some space before running straight into someone.

"Uh, sorry! I was just leaving. The school... premises- Adrien! I'm so sorry about that--"

"It's fine, I wasn't paying attention either. I was reading something on my phone... About you, actually. Well, not directly, but it was implied." Marinette, to say the least, _bugs out_ . Her crush was reading about her? She almost grabs his phone but remembers that's rude and an invasion of personal space. Marinette's been struggling for months to not make a fool of herself when she’s with Adrien and she is _not_ going to ruin it by stealing his phone again. Instead, Marinette resorts to standing there gaping like a fish.

"Um, is it an article?"

"Yeah, a new update shared by the Ladyblog. An anonymous user posted something about an hour ago saying that Chat Noir was seeing someone, like dating. And then I saw the picture of you two below that post." Adrien says. He's clearly amused, but Marinette is too busy sputtering to notice. She _just_ told Alya that nothing was official and now this unnamed person had to mess it up for her!

"What! How did they... That's not even- Wait. You follow the Ladyblog?" Adrien shrugs.

"Of course. But are these rumors true? Because if it is, go you, Chat Noir is so cool. If not, I mean, it was still a cool rumor." She’s not sure if he’s being honest. But Adrien doesn't sound like he's mocking her, so she replies.

"We're not dating per se-- because we aren't together-- but I'm going on a date with him if that clears anything up." Adrien looks about as confused as Marinette feels. Leave it to the fates that the unluckiest guy in the world had begged her to be his fake girlfriend, and now she was the one reeling from the consequences.

"Yeah, that didn’t make sense, but I tried. Just don't let him trick you into thinking he's cool though. Chat's actually a giant loser." Adrien laughs at that one; Marinette’s about to combust, probably. It's quiet for a few seconds before she calms down and says, "Um, I gotta go now, see you." She waves and ignores the rapid beating of her heart when he smiles back at her.

"I'll catch you later, Mari." She runs off before she does something stupid like admit her gigantic crush on him to his face or publicly dump a superhero cat that she’s not even dating. She really hopes she isn’t blushing as she turns away.


	4. iiib.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wtf is that really me... lucia chaserpercy/chatuoir.... who am i... (HELP JUNIOR YEAR IS KILLIN ME ITS FINE ITS ALL FINE). its been 2 months but HERE is your next chapter hehe this was fun to write even though it took approximately 60 days im sorry enjoy

“Really. _Cat_ ch you later? First you posted, anonymously, might I add, that you, as Chat, were dating Marinette, which you were kind of _not_ supposed to do on account of that it’s one of three  _conditions_ , and then you use that terrible pun? I’m so ashamed. I don’t want your camembert anymore; I’m finding a new Chat.” Plagg chastises as soon as she’s out of earshot.

“I didn’t know you were such a stickler for the rules, Plagg. And saying no to cheese? Who are you?” Adrien pulls out a block of the nasty stuff. His kwami’s immediately overpowered.

“Okay, you got me there, I can’t betray my true love. I just don’t want to you accidentally ruin this poor girl’s life. I mean, yours is already ruined, so no harm done to you, but there’s no need to inflict your life of pain and suffering onto her.” Just for that, Adrien tosses the cheese behind him and starts walking away, leaving Plagg to scramble after it. 

“I won’t ruin her life. I mean, everyone was going to find out tomorrow when we went to the Louvre anyways, but I wanted to get it out now. That way, if Ladybug stalks the Ladyblog, she’ll know that I wasn’t lying-- well, I guess I am lying-- but it’ll be fine, I promise.” 

Plagg chuckles as well as one can with cheese in their mouth. “Sure, whatever you say.” The creature mutters something like “you’re a disaster of a human being” but Adrien doesn’t get the chance to retaliate; instead, he hears a crash followed by screams coming from outside. Adrien grabs Plagg by the ear and sprints behind a pillar. 

"Wow. If this is related to your little anonymous ploy, I'm actually going to laugh. I knew something bad would happen eventually, but I didn’t think it wou-" Adrien shoots a glare towards the creature and opens his mouth. 

"Plagg, claws out!" The kwami never finishes its sentence. A moment later, Chat leaps out from behind the pillar and starts running towards the sounds.

When he gets outside, Chat yelps. He can't believe Plagg was right; Marinette's floating twenty feet in the air, trapped in what looks like a giant glass cat head. There's a crowd of people gathered around her, no doubt worried classmates. Marinette spots him and points down the street. Despite being suspended in air, she doesn't look frazzled at all.

"Are you okay?" Chat yells. He's not sure if she can hear, but she nods anyways. She says something that Chat lip reads as "I'm pine, bo raze the million". He's having trouble decoding the words when a familiar voice calls out.

"Chat! She’s fine, go chase the villain!" Alya says from in front of him.  _Oh, that’s what Marinette said._

"What do they look like? Any idea who it is?"

"All I saw was a swat like a giant hand when Marinette was snatched into the sky. I don't really remember the rest."

"Thanks for letting me know. Can you get everyone else back inside? And keep an eye on Marinette."

"You can count on us." Nino appears next to Alya. He jokingly salutes and the two start ushering their friends away from the cat head. Chat turns on his heel and flips onto the nearest building. He tries to call Ladybug but there’s no answer; where _is_ she? There’s no use waiting for her while an akuma victim is on the loose, so Chat decides to spring into action. He goes in the direction Alya pointed out until he starts seeing the destruction; it’s only a matter of time before he comes face to face with the villain. He’s standing in front of a guy who looks pretty normal-- except for his arms, which are the size of cars and look like cat paws. Chat almost laughs at the sheer hilarity of the scene.

“You’re kitten me, right?” Chat yells. The villain finally sees him and smiles.

“No. Nice of you to show up.” It looks genuine, but Chat knows not to trust the akuma victim. Hawkmoth is one convoluted dude.

“Thanks. Who are you and why did you lock Marinette in a cat head? Where’d you even get that head? And you’re not even a cat. Like, cool arms, but it’s a little trippy. And isn’t it hard to lift them?” Chat stalls. _Where is Ladybug?_ He’s getting worried and the villain is getting antsy.

“I am the Cat Whisperer. And they’re not hard to lift at all.” The Whisperer says. Chat almost misses the two arms coming towards him, except that they’re giant and really hard to miss. He leaps out of the way, yelping in surprise, and scans the area for Ladybug again, but she’s still not here. _Okay, I’m doing this on my own._

“Whoa, okay, guess not. I’m going to ask again. Where’d you get the head? Why’d you lock up Marinette? I’m the one with a Miraculous.” At this point, Chat knows he’s said the wrong thing, but isn’t sure why. The Whisperer groans upon hearing her name and honest-to-god  _sits down_ in the middle of the street.

“Why is EVERYONE talking about her? Just because some blog posted a picture of you two doesn’t mean anything. I locked her up with that cat head, which appeared right before I grabbed her, so this could stop, because let’s be honest, she doesn't belong to you. You should be _mine_.”

Ohhh. The _Chat_ Whisperer. Got it.

“Ah, that's what this is about. Can I ask you a question?” Chat has a plan. The Whisperer looks up and shrugs.

“What would you do if I told you I already took your-- how do I say this-- uh... akumatized object?” This gets the exact reaction Chat wants. The Whisperer gasps and starts fumbling to check, which gives Chat the information he needs.

“Yeah, I was kidding. Also, Marinette doesn't belong to me. She's her own person, capable of making her own decisions. And so am I. So don't be too mad at what I'm about to do.” While the Whisperer is confused, Chat pounces.

The Whisperer is clearly caught off guard, especially because he's sitting in the street with two giant paws swinging around; Chat nearly crashes into one sweeping under his feet and has to vault straight over it. He hears some civilians screaming as well as calling for Ladybug. It's peculiar that she hasn't turned up by now. _Maybe she's busy with an akuma attack too_ , Chat thinks.

Chat feints a left and causes the Whisperer to smack himself in the face. Taking this opportunity, Chat launches himself above the other paw, headed straight for an object in the villain’s shirt pocket. He dives and swipes the item before kicking off of the other paw and landing on the ground. Chat inspects the thing. It's a Polaroid of himself with a heart drawn around his face. He actually feels bad ripping it in half.

An akuma escapes from the picture; _fuck_ , Ladybug isn't here to purify it. Chat stuffs the picture in his suit under the collar and scans his surroundings: trash can, a few cars, some litter. He sprints to grab a jar from the garbage and turns to find the akuma. It’s ascending pretty rapidly. Chat stands on his baton and extends it toward the butterfly; his only thoughts are _oh shit oh shit oh shit._

Luckily, the bug doesn't fly all that fast. Chat scoops it out of the air with the jar and lowers himself to the ground. Civilians are congratulating him and someone hands him a lid. Now he just has to keep track of it until Ladybug arrives. The Whisperer’s form melts until a guy with normal sized human arms is sitting on the ground; he looks around, sees the damaged cars (from the giant paw fumbling), meets Chat’s gaze, and ducks his head in embarrassment.

“It’s okay. You weren’t in control.” Chat says, even though not everything is okay because lots cars are still fucked up and Ladybug’s not here with her magical cleansing powers to fix it. Then he remembers that Marinette’s probably still trapped in the head. So where the _hell_ is LB?

Chat races back to the school, where Alya and Nino greet him and stare at the akuma in the jar. He looks up and sees Marinette, sitting cross-legged in the head, scrolling on her phone. She looks bored.

“Uh, so, Ladybug hasn’t shown up. But I need to get her out of there, so like, hold on tight to the jar. And don’t open it.” Chat directs Nino. “Alya. Text Marinette and tell her that I’m about to break her out.” Luckily, she’s a fast typer. Marinette responds with a ‘that would be great’.

Chat balances on his baton and extends it until he’s face to face with Marinette. She breathes on the glass and draws a “hi” in the mist. He smiles and waves before clearing his throat.

“Cataclysm!” In mere seconds, he’s activated the superpower and slashed through the cat ear, which breaks off and creates thousands of miniature fractures in the rest of the head. Fuck. Probably should’ve thought this through.

“Marinette, jump! Nino! Alya! Get out of the way!” He screams. Marinette has fast reflexes and manages to grab Chat’s arm, who pulls her up and starts leaning the pole toward the side of a building. They land on the roof and Marinette finds a staircase, saying she’ll be right back. Alya and Nino run like hell towards the school. Chat watches in slow motion as the head begins to crack and pieces rain down. After what seems like an eternity, his friends make it to a safe spot and the glass begins to hit the ground. Ladybug chooses this moment to appear from behind him. She surveys the disaster in front of them.

“You’re late.” He says.

“I know. I was stuck in traffic.” She spots Nino and Alya. “Is that the akuma in that jar?” Chat nods and pulls the ripped picture out of his suit.

“Yeah.” She takes it and grins.

“Damn. Good job.” Chat shrugs.  
  
“All in a day’s work.” She rolls her eyes, but he can tell she's impressed. The two of them make their way to Nino, who’s still clutching the jar. Ladybug swings her yoyo and tells him to take the lid off. She finally  catches and releases the akuma, throws the picture into the air, and makes everything normal again. Except, nothing's really normal after that.


	5. iva.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello it has been 500 years since i last updated but the lovely AmelineAmira on ao3 wrote a fic inspired by this one? omg? and that reminded me that i needed to update (i had the chapter ready i was just being lazy)(thank u <3) so yall should definitely check that fic out but in the meantime here is another chapter lets get LIT (its like midnight goodnight)

Marinette is smothered in hugs as soon as she steps into the bakery. Her parents apologize to the customers before pulling her into the living room, clearly scared about her well-being. They'd heard about the attack on the news and keep inspecting her to check for injuries; she assures them that she's fine.

“Really, Maman, I'm okay. The broken glass didn't even cut me. I promise.” She says. Her parents exchange a glance before turning back to her.

“We’re glad you're okay,” Her father starts, “But what about the stuff we’ve heard about this Chat Noir business?” Marinette silently curses. _Shit._ The attack had distracted her from thinking of a good way to bring it up.

She takes a deep breath. _Well._ “I know this is going to sound really weird, but I can explain. The truth is... Chat Noir is my _fake_ boyfriend.”

* * *

Her parents stare at her for a few moments, eerily quiet. Marinette stands there waiting for a reaction, but there isn't one. Finally, she starts again.

“So... Chat asked me to fake date him so Ladybug wouldn't think he was lying to her about him having a girlfriend; I felt bad for him, but I also thought it was really funny, so I agreed. We set up some conditions so this doesn't go too far, and I can opt out whenever I want.” Marinette sees her parents visibly relax a little, but they're still confused. At last, Tom speaks up.

“I think the only question I can really ask is... can I meet this Chat?” Marinette hesitates in answering. Fortunately, she's saved by a bell ringing from inside the store. Sabine goes to check and brings back a plate of cookies and friend- in fact, she brings back a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a superhero friend.

“Hi Mr and Mrs Dupain-Cheng,” Chat greets after inhaling a couple cookies, “I'm Chat Noir, but I think you knew that. I just wanted to say that everything that's happened to your daughter today with the akuma was my fault and I apologize. Did she tell you exactly what's going on?” He says in one spurt. Marinette gestures for him to calm down and breathe.

“It's fine, I told them.” She says. He looks noticeably relieved.

“I didn't want you two to stress out or anything, I mean, Marinette was safe during the attack, if you count being trapped inside a glass cat head safe. Which, by the way, I'm really sorry for-- I didn't think people would overreact to something like who I'm dating. Or, you know, in this case, _fake_ dating.” Honestly, this boy doesn't know when to stop talking; Marinette’s almost embarrassed for him. Luckily, her parents smile at him warmly.

“Thanks for letting us know, Chat.” Tom says. “We trust that you and Marinette can handle this, but if anything starts to trouble you, don't be afraid to come to us. Both of you.” _Okay, dad. We can't just adopt every guy I (fake) date._ Marinette thinks.

Chat grins, nods, and takes a few more cookies. “Thank you for everything. Can I speak to Marinette for a couple minutes?”

* * *

“I'm really sorry about everything that happened today. If you want to call it quits right now, that's fine with me. I can ask Alya to take all the pictures off her blog.” Chat says.

“No, no, really, it's fine! You wouldn't believe how many times I've been in serious situations like today’s, especially with the amount of attacks that happen in my school. Seriously. I forgive you. And if it had really bothered me that much I’m sure I would’ve asked Alya myself. Really, I’m okay.”

“So... we’re still fake dating?”

“Duh. You literally just met my parents. I'm not gonna break up with you _right now_.” Chat breathes out a sigh of relief. Then he rubs his temples before speaking up.

“You know what I just realized? I don't have any way to contact you besides like this, face to face. Can I have your phone number or something? Wait, no, you might know the civilian me. What about IM? I'll make a new one just for you. Maybe something like, small x - big x - Mari’s - underscore - true - underscore - love  - big x - small x’, just to keep everything fresh.”

Marinette jokes. “Who are you, a scene kid from 2009?” They both snort at that.

“Like you have any better ideas.”

“Yeah, I don’t. Mine’s just my name.” Chat makes a big show of committing that to memory, as if he’s going to mix it up and find a different Marinette Dupain-Cheng somewhere on the internet. Marinette has to admit that he’s a pretty funny guy, even if he tries too hard to be cool sometimes.

A few minutes later she's shooing him out the bakery door while he salutes and blows a kiss. A couple customers smile; Marinette catches a few of them sneaking glances and laughs to herself. _The fun has only just begun,_ she thinks.

* * *

It's past midnight, and Marinette knows she’s supposed to be on her rounds right now, except she isn’t really sure what to say to Chat as Ladybug after the day’s events. Technically, there was _no_ way she could’ve helped him during the attack since she was quite literally trapped, but she still feels kind of bad. They’re supposed to be a team.

Marinette lays in bed for a while and listens as the city settles. There’s usually a couple cars left at this hour, and of course Paris is still ablaze- they don’t call it the City of Lights for no reason- but it feels eerily quiet and dark. _I’m probably sleep-deprived,_ she thinks. Suddenly, her phone lights up and nearly blinds her. She fumbles for it and reads the notification.  

> New IM chat request from _xXmaris_true_loveXx_

Marinette has to smother herself with her blanket before she laughs too hard and wakes the entire city. She accepts the request and sees that Chat’s already sent a couple messages.

> **xXmaris_true_loveXx:** hello my false lover (i hope)
> 
> i have a question
> 
> do you happen to be friends with lb or can you contact her
> 
> if so where tf is she?
> 
> oh shoot it's like 12:17 im sorry if i woke you up

She frantically types a message back, whispering for Tikki to get ready to transform her.

> **Marinettedcheng:** hi chat no u didnt wake me i do in fact have a way to contact her i will tell her ur waiting & congrats on finding the right mari
> 
> **xXmaris_true_loveXx:** ok good i was just worried cus she wasn’t answering. get some rest you need your beauty sleep
> 
> **Marinettedcheng:** cant tell if thats an insult or compliment but thx i will see u 2mo
> 
> **xXmaris_true_loveXx:** wow i would never slander my fake gf </3... goodnight

“He certainly is a character, isn’t he?” Tikki says. Marinette rolls her eyes, her face shining from the glow of the city.

“Sure. Let’s get going. Tikki, spots on!” Marinette transforms at 12:20 and heads out to the Eiffel Tower.

* * *

It’s quite relaxing to be above the city in the dead hours of the night, with everything sparkling and the cool breeze rustling through the air. Ladybug finds her partner sitting on a ledge, lost in thought. She settles down next to him and they silently greet each other. It's awkward for a while before she speaks up.

“Hey.. so. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Again. For not showing up earlier today? But I was in a sticky situation.” He smiles softly and Ladybug catches it, his face lit up by the moonlight.

“I forgive you. Again. It's okay, my Lady. I promise.” It's still a little awkward.

“Okay. I just feel guilty. Like, all these people were looking up to me to help them and be their hero, but I wasn't even there.”

“But your trusty sidekick was there,” Chat says with a grin.

She gently shoves him. “Chat, we talked about this. You're my partner, not my sidekick. We're equal. We balance each other out, that’s kinda the point. Duh.” He lets out a short laugh.

“Yeah, yeah, you're right. Team Miraculous, am I right?” She nods, glad that the slight tension in the air is gone. The two fist bump before settling back into the silence of the night.

A few more moments pass.

“We should... uh... patrol now?” Ladybug whispers. Chat’s eyes widen.

“Yeah, yep, you're right, I’ll do the north side of the city,” He raises his baton and helps Ladybug to her feet, “See you in 30.” Then he does an Olympics-worthy dive off the side of the tower, extending the pole to vault to the next building. Ladybug snorts as he leaves. _Show-off. Again,_ she thinks.

* * *

 Ladybug catches a couple thieves before finishing her patrol; they’re some sneaky tourists who wanted free souvenirs, but they at least have the dignity to look guilty when she turns them in.

Chat is sitting on the building across from the Dupain-Cheng bakery. Ladybug wants to laugh; he probably thinks his fake girlfriend is in there, asleep, not at all thinking about the crazy day they just had like he definitely is. She suddenly realizes he’s speaking to her and snaps out of her trance.

“So... did you hear about what happened to me and Marinette?” Ladybug snorts. She’d read his mind.

“Yeah, someone told me to check the Ladyblog, like, a half hour after you confessed to me.”

“Hmm. Seems awfully suspicious. You sure you didn’t expose me?” Chat interrogates, but he’s smirking. Ladybug rolls her eyes.

“Pssh. You probably submitted that post yourself, because you thought I didn’t believe you or something,” She jokes. He freezes for a moment, but she doesn’t notice. Biting her tongue to keep from laughing, she grins and adds, “But you do like Marinette, I can tell. I mean, why else would you be dating her?”

He nervously laughs but tries to play it off. “Yeah, she’s great. It’s going well. But hey, that’s enough about my love life. What are _your_ plans for tomorrow? I never got to ask.” Shit. _Uh, I’m going on a fake date with you in civilian form, while trying to keep it realistic enough so other people think we’re actually dating- but only until your plan of making me, as Ladybug, jealous finally works- which probably won’t ever happen, so, honestly, you tell me._

Later, she would wonder if it was the sheer amount of exhaustion from the day, the huge billboard right in front of her, or the curiosity of the cat (especially a certain Chat) which made her difficult situation a whole lot worse. But at the time, all she could think was to say something as ridiculous as possible so he wouldn’t ask any questions _._

“I’m, uh, also going on a date. With.. um, the one and only, uh...” Ladybug drops her gaze from Chat’s eyes (which turns out to be an accident) and says with confidence, “Adrien Agreste.”


	6. ivb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: looks at last update date  
> me: spits
> 
> aka omg im sorry its now almost june and i havent updated but here you go fam please enjoy. also school is almost over so hopefully i can like.. be active in the summer? we'll see lmfao. <3 now read about my son being Extra (TM)

Oh _shit_.

Adrien is screaming. Internally. And externally, too- he hides it as raucous laughter and feels some serious deja vu, but he can’t for the life of him figure out why. Ladybug turns as red as her namesake, stuttering and trying to stop him from laughing.

“Hey! It’s- it’s not funny, I asked him out- we- we like each other! I swea-”

“Relax, I’m not laughing at you.” Chat says, regaining his composure. He takes some deep breaths to stop laughing as Ladybug stands silenced.

He continues. “It’s just funny, you know, that we both know each other’s significant others, but we didn’t tell each other. How coincidental is that?” He lies through his teeth. Ladybug nods; she doesn’t seem convinced.

“Yeah.. super coincidental. Hilarious, huh?” She mutters. Chat nods awkwardly. Then he notices that Ladybug is glaring at a billboard, on which his own (civilian) face is displayed, proudly modeling his father’s new fashion line. It’s a bit uncomfortable until he speaks up again.

“Um..... you okay? I think you should get some sleep, you look a little out of it.” He winces because he hadn’t meant it to sound rude, but Ladybug’s still glaring. A few moments later, she comes out of her angry trance and answers him.

“Sorry, sorry! I’m, uh, I’m fine. Just thinking. And yeah, I’m gonna head home now. Goodnight Chat, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He waves before she swings away. As soon as she’s out of sight, Chat leaps to his feet and extends his baton in the direction of his house.  

_I have to beat Ladybug to my own house_ , he thinks, and it carries him the entire way there.

* * *

Adrien manages to vault into his room through an open window just a minute before Ladybug arrives. He’s able to de-transform and scramble under his covers before he hears a tap on a window opposite the one he just jumped through. Adrien can see Ladybug’s silhouette and almost greets her, but then remembers he’s not Chat anymore. 

He shuffles out of bed and opens the window, pretending to be sleepy. “Uh.... hello? Is that... Ladybug? What are you doing? It’s like,” Adrien fake yawns, “2 in the morning.”

“Hi Adrien, what I’m about to ask is probably going to sound super weird and I get if you never want to speak to me again but I really need your help so can we talk like _right now_?” Ladybug whisper-yells. From her shadow, he guesses she’s probably crouching uncomfortably on a ledge outside his room. She’s also completely out of breath and sounds so distraught, Adrien almost forgets that she needs to ask him to be her boyfriend. Well, her fake boyfriend, but close enough.

“I, uh, yeah, sure.. Come on in.” He opens the window as Plagg hovers by his ear.

“Adrien! What are you doing, kid?!” He shoos Plagg away as Ladybug swings in. She awkwardly takes a seat on the couch as Adrien flicks on a lamp.

“So. What's up?”

“Uh, okay. I don't... know how to say this without being weird. I mean, it's going to be weird anyways. But I have to say it to you, so it's gonna be extra weird, so like, don't be weird about it. I said weird too many tim-”

“Ladybug, I'm confused.”

“Sorry! Sorry... Okay.” Her face is definitely redder than her suit, but it's cute. Especially because he didn't know she could get this nervous around him. That makes him feel a little better about kind of being in love with her.

She takes a deep breath. “I need you to date me.”

Adrien feigns surprise; it's the best acting he's ever done, and his ‘when mama bring home the spaghetti’ photographer would _definitely_ be proud. “Whoa, what? Me, date _you_?”

“Not for real, I mean like, for show! I accidentally got into a mess with Chat and now he thinks we're together, and I know he doesn't believe me, so I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend.”

“Uh, sur-”

“And I totally understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore after this, because it's gonna be super awkward, but- wait, did you say sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll totally do it.” He answers at the speed of light. _Don't be so obvious,_ Adrien practically hears Plagg say in the back of his mind.

“Seriously? Thank you so much! Hopefully the ruse won't take too long. I just need to prove to Chat that we're dating, and then we can end it.”

“Sounds good. We should do something tomorrow for Valentine's day, maybe go on a fake date or something?” He immediately suggests. Ladybug agrees, gives him her IM to talk it out in the morning, and is gone within the next 5 minutes. Plagg flies out from behind the curtain and launches himself at Adrien’s head.

“ _WHAT DID YOU JUST GET YOURSELF INTO????!!_ ” Plagg asks. Adrien calmly closes the window, turns off the light, and tosses Plagg some cheese that he finds lying around.

“It's gonna be okay, Plagg. Trust me.”

“As far as I can throw you, maybe.”

“What? You can't pick me up!”

“It's an expre- never mind. Go to sleep, Adrien.”

Naturally, Adrien is out before his head hits the pillow.

* * *

He wakes up four hours later to the sound of knocking. _Fuck_. He has a modeling gig at 7 before his dates with both Marinette and Ladybug, and he's totally forgotten about it. 

Nathalie calls through the door, “Adrien! Wake up. The car leaves in thirty minutes.” He mumbles a reply and starts to roll over to get up, but then ends up falling out of his bed. Needless to say, he's now fully awake.

He gets ready in twenty and runs outside to find the Gorilla, who’s holding his breakfast (a protein bar and vitamin water) and the car door. Nathalie is waiting in the back. When she sees Adrien, she tells the driver to start the car; Adrien climbs in and the vehicle lurches forward into the city.

“We will arrive in fifteen minutes,” Nathalie says. Adrien nods while eating his breakfast, then turns on his phone to check the time. His screen opens on IM and he realizes he needs to talk to Ladybug; only problem is, it's only 6:45. She's probably still asleep. _Oh well, it's worth a try_.

> _adrienagreste_ has added _ladybugg123_ as a friend!
> 
> _ladybugg123_ has accepted the request. Send a message now!

Adrien almost chokes on his granola. She'd answered so quickly, maybe she was expecting him to message her? _Nah_ , _she's probably just a morning person_.

> **adrienagreste** : hi
> 
> hello
> 
> good morning*
> 
> **ladybugg123** : Hi
> 
> so . we’re going on a fake date today.
> 
> what time are you free
> 
> **adrienagreste** : afternoon? i'm kind of busy until then.
> 
> **ladybugg123** : me too
> 
> where?
> 
> **adrienagreste** : let's meet at the mini arc
> 
> the one near the louvre
> 
> 3pm
> 
> we can go “sightseeing”
> 
> **ladybugg123** : i've literally s
> 
> nvm
> 
> yes let's do that! sounds like a fun way to mess with chat
> 
> **adrienagreste** : ? what were you going to say?
> 
> _ladybugg123_ is offline

Adrien’s hand hovers over the keyboard, trying to think of another message to send. He's guessing they're both a little worried about it, which is why the conversation was kind of awkward. But he can't think of anything to add, because Nathalie announces their arrival at that very moment and Adrien gives his phone to the Gorilla for safekeeping. He doesn't want it to be stolen again, after all. Adrien finishes his food, exits the car, follows Nathalie to his father, and gets to work.


End file.
